In-Between loss and transformation
Frammezzo as the redemptive phase of grief
To read this post in Italian click here.
Trigger warning: This post talks about grief, so please keep that in mind before reading on.
When I started this newsletter, I had a clear plan: share my personal journey of living between two countries and chat with people who live In-Between different situations, like places, jobs, passions, and families.
Then Natalia Pazzaglia reached out, and that sparked the idea for this post about the In-Between as a phase of dealing with grief.
Natalia’s email reminded me that when we share our ideas, others can take them and make them their own. Other people’s perspectives can uncover hidden meanings and breathe new life into our thoughts, and it’s amazing how much richer our ideas become this way.
Big thanks to her, Isabel, and the Legacy Compass team for seeing exactly what they wanted in Frammezzo —they were spot on.
It’s true that together, we can go further than alone.
American writer Joan Didion
This year, while sitting at a restaurant in the middle of nowhere in Italy, I had a conversation that many would define as ‘unpleasant’ with my parents; I asked if they could help prepare my brother and I for when, hopefully many years from now, they will pass away.
No, it wasn’t my love for cemeteries that pushed me to have this talk. Needless to say this to those who know me well, but for all you others that do not:
I spent the whole first and second lockdowns of 2020 walking twice a day through the lovely West Brompton Cemetery in London because it was the closest green space to my home.
Wherever I travel, I try to visit a historic cemetery.
I still love taking meditative walks in lush, mossy cemeteries filled with old tombs and chirping birds.
But no, it wasn’t the cemeteries that led to that conversation; it was my need for control.
My parents are still young, as my brother and I are, but living far from home for over a decade has made me realize how clueless I would be about navigating Italian bureaucracy if any need should arise.
Moving to another country at the start of adulthood meant figuring out on my own—or with friends’ help, not my family’s—how to open a bank account, pay bills, what to watch out for in contracts before I sign them, and so on.
These practicalities are part of the crucial lesson: ‘How to navigate societal bureaucracy,’ usually passed down from older to younger generations.
Instead, I learned all the adulting stuff on my own in England.
West Brompton Cemetery in London, UK
This feeling of being on my own has amplified some traits of my personality, like my need for organization and keeping *everything* under control to feel capable of handling any possible situation (traits I’m actually trying to let go of via yoga, meditation, therapy, and gray hair).
But this feeling also ramped up a kind of subtle anxiety within because I know I’m pretty clueless about managing life in Italy, especially the bureaucracy, and especially in the upsetting eventuality of not having my older folks around anymore.
So, some months back, I decided to share this underlying anxiety with my parents by asking: if you were to die, what should we do, who should we call?
And here’s a coincidence worth mentioning.
While this was the year I decided to discuss death with my family, 2024 was also the year I was contacted by Natalia Pazzaglia, founder of two online platforms dedicated to grief management support, one in Italy and one in the UK.
Natalia reached out after discovering my newsletter because she saw, in one of the interpretations of the concept of In-Between, a connection with the natural state of dealing with grief.
If you’re surprised reading this (I was too), keep going please, and I promise you are going to understand what I am talking about.
Click here to support Legacy Compass crowdfunding campaign
Natalia’s platforms are called Lasae (Italy) and Legacy Compass (UK), the latter also a start-up, and they focus on loss management, both emotionally and practically.
In Western society, death is often a taboo topic. So even those who have always lived in the same city they were born in, without moving countries like I did, might not really know how to handle the practicalities of a funeral, inheritance, and so on.
One of Natalia and her team’s goals is to guide and inform about the practical issues that come with someone’s death; from arranging the funeral to handling bank accounts, checking insurances, dealing with tax consequences, managing digital inheritance, real estate and so on.
Cemetero do Prazeres in Lisbon, Portugal. Down there, the sea.
It took me a few days to wrap my head around Natalia’s idea, the link between her projects and my newsletter, but then I got it.
Whether it’s an unexpected death or one you saw coming due to illness, you might identify the state you enter when someone close passes as In-Between. It’s like a temporary period of time needed to recalibrate.
After a loved one dies, life seems to go on as before, but it’s all different because it’s about to end. Actually, it’s already over.
The shock of this fact is often too intense to process in one go, leading us to enter an ‘in-between’ state. Living halfway between accepting the unacceptable and continuing to see things, people, and situations as if they’re still alive, normal and present, can be one of the stages of grief.
If you haven’t read it yet, I recommend the book The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion, written after the sudden death of her husband John, and, later, her daughter Quintana.
A cemetery nearby San Juan Chamula in Chiapas, Mexico
Didion—a super rational writer—describes several irrational thoughts that guided her life in the year after these losses: for instance, not wanting to throw away all of John’s shoes in case he, after all, came back home.
These behaviours, like many others, happen and are natural. In fact, they’re lifesaving. I say ‘lifesaving’ because the mind takes a while to adjust to any new reality.
Emotions are nuanced, they don’t change suddenly, and accepting that you still need to think of the deceased in the present tense can be, in a way, lifesaving. It can help some people fall asleep at night, for instance, and for others, it’s a necessary step toward gradually accepting loss.
The Frammezzo between the life before and the life after is sometimes the only state in which one can survive—at least for a while—in the face of tragic events and sudden changes.
A reality where the one who’s gone, or about to go, is still there, somehow. They’ll stay there until you find the strength to let go and, above all, until you find the strength to enter the transformation phase.
San Lazaro Cemetery in Antigua, Guatemala
How does death change us? The support offered by Lasae and Legacy Compass also focuses on this question that’s sometimes sidelined.
Grief transforms those who remain. It changes paths, body posture, and opens awareness to many little things we didn’t notice before.
There’s life before, and there’s life after. In between, there’s the Frammezzo to prepare for transformation.
I asked Natalia for her thoughts on this topic and to tell me about her project supporting people dealing with grief, and here’s what she said.
Natalia Pazzaglia
Natalia, why do you see the In-Between as an important stage of grief management?
Because there’s a life before and a life after, and maybe you’re not yet ready to face the transition between these two phases. Grief brings in the concept of time: sometimes it feels endless, as if you’ll never get over what happened, other times it’s fast, pushed by others urging a quick return to normality.
Between this slow and fast time, there’s a middle space, a period where it’s crucial to confront yourself and find your own rhythm. This space lets you manage emotions and reflect on your life. Also, seeing the death of someone we love makes us aware that we’re not here forever and gives us the chance to ask if we’re truly living the life we want.
What in this ‘middle space’ between the ‘life before’ and the ‘life after’ can be useful and lifesaving for those dealing with grief?
This middle space allows you to slow down, not being immediately ready to jump back into daily life. It’s a safe space to process pain without feeling pressured by others’ or by societal expectations. In this time, you can become more aware, accept the loss, and start imagining a new life, respecting your own pace and needs.
What does Lasae mean, the name of your Italian support platform?
Lasae comes from the myth of Etruscan winged deities, seen as angels. These figures supported those left behind, those grieving. They first helped the deceased transition to the afterlife and then returned to comfort the living. Some say the Lasae inspired Christian angels. They symbolize the bridge between the living and the dead, and this concept reflects the type of support we aim to offer through our platforms.
How can losing a loved one be a transformative journey?
Witnessing the death of someone we love is one of the toughest experiences we can possible live. It makes us confront our vulnerability and the reality of death, but it can also make us deeply reflect on what truly matters. This awareness can turn into a chance to realign priorities, live with more intention, and find new meaning in what we do. It’s a tough process, but with the right support, it can become a powerful tool for personal growth.
What’s next for Legacy Compass, the English start-up you started in 2023?
We aim to develop the platform further and start offering our products in the market. We want to provide personal transformation paths, using loss and grief as tools to reflect, grow, and live more consciously. We’re working to expand our impact and reach more people with our unique approach.
Some useful resources
Connect with Natalia Pazzaglia
The Year of Magical Thinking, Joan Didion (Affiliate link)
Italy
UK
Support the Crowdfunding by 8 December 2024
Embracing Death and Dying, a place to share ideas and practical advice on death and dying. This is an yearly event (free of charge) that takes place at Kagyu Samye Dzong London (KSDL) Tibetan Buddhist Centre in Bermondsey, south east London, organised by The Bardo Group.
Will you help me?
Do you know someone (or maybe it's you!) who lives across two (or more) different places? Or who has different jobs and hobbies, and has found (or is trying to find) a way to pursue them both? Maybe you'll think of a couple of friends managing a long distance relationship, or acquaintances starting a side business, like renovating a countryside home to offer gardening or cooking classes.
If you do, it would mean the world to me if you could let me know by hitting the reply button of this newsletter, like a regular email or leaving a comment in the Chat.
My goal for Frammezzo is to create a space for sharing, a community where we can freely tell our stories and dreams, especially for those who think a bit outside the box and struggle to find kindred spirits to exchange ideas and experiences with.
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